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Where There's Smoke

Title: Where There's Smoke
Author: theDeadGrrl
Fandom: Dogma / Askewniverese
Pairing: Jay / Silent Bob
Rating: PG, Language
Series/Sequel: No series, just my ongoing obsession with the slashy nature of two stoners.
Disclaimers: It all belongs to Kevin Smith - Jay, Silent Bob, and the Askewniverse. I'm just borrowing them for my own secret
pleasures but promise to return them unharmed... but one of them slightly pissed off.
Notes: A little peek into my version of what was really going on in Dogma, another missing scene if you will. This would've /could've
taken place as our heroes departed from the train.
Summary: The Metatron and Jay have a little heart to heart. Pre-slash.
Spoilers: Yes, for Dogma
Warnings: Language
Parting Remark: "It's Smith's World... And I'm gonna slash it."

Where There's Smoke
By theDeadGrrl

Jay decided that departing from a train by jumping out of it while it was still in motion had to have been the stupidest thing he had ever heard. Nonetheless they all high tailed it out of there after the angels had been tossed off. The jump, tuck and roll technique needed vast improvements in his opinion. As Jay rolled through tall grasses he was swearing loudly.

"Son of a... Ow! You mother... Hey!" Rolling to a halt Jay looked skyward, pissed off at the half a dozen meadow weeds sticking out of
his clothes and was determined to lie there until hell froze over or someone came and picked his ass up.

A short while later Silent Bob's worried face came into view.

"Lunchbox." Jay acknowledged him.

Bob quickly kneeled beside him, hands gently touching him, checking for broken bones. Jay let this go one for a long moment as Bob's hands worked their way up his thigh.

"I think it's more to the left." Jay smirked as he thrust his hips up towards Bob's gentle hands.

Bob gave an exasperated sigh, took Jay's hand and pulled him up off the ground. Bob briskly dusted Jay off pulling the weeds and long grass from his clothing. As the hands brushed past his ass Jay gave a warning, "Watch it Lunchbox, I ain't got amnesia or nothing. I know we ain't fuckin'."

Bob rolled his eyes and walked toward Bethany and Rufus. As they gathered the makings for a fire Jay wandered away from the group. He walked off the small pain in his lower shin, not wanting Silent Bob to know about it. Bob would only worry, and Jay knew bigger shit was about to go down that needed Bob's attention. Rufus was talking about some of that shit to Silent Bob. Jay felt his expertise wasn't needed and figured that he could do with a moment to stretch his legs and take a leak. Far as Jay could tell, they were fucked. There was no way they were gonna be able to take down 2 angels and figured that someone had better come up with an 11th hour plan mighty fuckin' soon.

Some distance away Jay found an available tree, unzipped and took a long piss. Finishing up he zipped up his pants and turned back only to almost walk into a large fire.

"Jesus Christ!" Jay yelped, looking around for something to put out the large blaze.

"Right department but a little lower on the ladder." The Fire responded dryly.

"Holy shit! Give me a fucking heart attack! What the hell are you?" Jay yelled, eyes wide in surprise.

"I am the Metatron... The Voice of the One True God... " The Fire intoned deeply, seriously, as if he had much practice.

"Well, fucking make some noise before you come up to people like Flaming Foliage and shit! Now what the hell do you want?" Jay asked, shock giving away to anger as he had had quite enough of supernatural shit for one day. This flame of a Fire was just another thing in a day already filled with way too much weirdness.

"I am here to ask you an important question, one that may alter your very existence..." The Metatron began formally only to interrupted by the little pissant of a prophet.

"Man, I do not play fucking truth or dare." Jay rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. He wasn't gonna let some Fire con him into some asinine kids game.

"No dare, only truth." The Metatron sounded amused.

Jay sighed in disgust. "You sound like Silent Bob when he pulls that Jedi Master shit."

"It's only a question..." The Fire burned warningly.

"All right, all right! Ask your damn question already!" Jay resigned to not getting anywhere until this pushy motherfucker of a flame asked its question.

"You have a choice, on one side is a room filled with beautiful women, scantily clad beautiful women, who wish to know you... in the biblical sense."

"What like a prayer group?" Jay queried. Man, there were big things going down he didn't have time for this shit...

"No... As in carnally." The Metatron tried again.

"What with carnies? The guys that rig the Ferris wheel? Ewww..." Jay gave a shudder, carnies scared him something fierce. That and those freakin' clowns...

The Fire flickered as it gave heavy sigh. "No, no, no. They wish to engage you in the... sensual arts."

"Dude, I got an F in art. I never did understand that whole perspective thing. But Silent Bob, now that motherfucker has talent..." Jay nodded feeling on safe ground discussing Silent Bob.

The Fire doubled in size, as its voice boomed loudly "No as in they want to fuck you blind!"

"Oh. Well, why the fuck didn't you say so?" Jay nodded, finally understanding the gist of conversation.

The Fire shrank back to it's originally size giving an exasperated sigh. The first "good" news he was able to deliver in something like 2000 years and the little stoner was going to fight him, uphill, the entire way. Clearing his throat, the Metatron continued.

"So, anyway... Women wanting to fuck you blind..." He cringed at the verbiage he had been reduced to. The English language really had lost all of its beauty...

"I am so there!" Jay smiled, imagining women and him and more women... Hell, this was a win - win situation. "Where are they? Can we go now? Dude, I don't think I have enough condoms on me, so we gotta stop at drug store or something..."

"Wait, there's more. These women will give you pleasures of the flesh..." The Metatron began again, trying to continue.

Jay stared at the Fire blankly. "You mean fucking? Right?"

The Metatron paused and replied slowly, "Yes." How on earth did the quiet one stand it?

"Word. I'm gonna be up to my neck in titties," Jay leered.

The Metatron continued. "So the offer of flesh lies in one hand."

"Dude, with all those women I won't be using my hand no more...." Jay smirked. Oh yeah, this was gonna be fun.

"And the second offer..." The Metatron was again interrupted by the verbose prophet.

"I don't even need to know more." Jay shook his head.

"Oh, but you do." The Metatron interjected, his voice carrying amusement. "On the other hand is Bob."

"Bob?" Jay blinked.

"Yes, Bob." The Fire replied.

Jay blinked again.

"The other hand is Bob. Your friend and companion." The Metatron continued smugly.

"Sex or Bob... What the fuck is that about?" Jay shook his head in disbelief, trying to guess as to what the Fire was hinting at.

"But there's more. Bob will always be your friend. But what if you could have a choice between physical pleasure..." Metatron explained, taking a little too much enjoyment out of the prophet's discomfort.

"Or Bob?! Jesus, that ain't a choice!" Jay stormed angrily. This motherfucker was trying to take away his boy, Silent Bob. Jay would be damned if he'd let anybody mess with Bob.

"Or a kiss from your beloved's lips." The Metatron concluded with a flourish and waited for the reaction, smug with his knowledge of the prophet's true heart.

Jay felt his entire body go cold. "My what?"

"Your beloved's lips." The Metatron all but sing-songed the reply. Oh, *this* was good. The expression on the young man's face made the first part of this ordeal completely worth it. Jay's features had frozen somewhere between shock and outrage.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Jay asked in a very small voice.

The Metatron asked again. "Unlimited physical pleasure or one moment, one very memorable moment. Which would you choose?" He had the little stoner, he knew he had him. Jay understood him, comprehended the question, and was about to backpedal like mad trying to avoid answering. The Metatron suddenly had a moment of immense job satisfaction, which almost made the last 2000 years of gloom and doom foretelling worth the effort.

Jay couldn't find his voice; all that escaped him was a small wheezing sound. He had some strange sensation in his stomach. Not unlike the first time when he offered to go down on Silent Bob and Bob had given him a very long look, almost like he was going to say yes... This felt exactly like that moment, the jittery sensation in his stomach...

"Physical indulgence versus a moment of true happiness... Bit of a dilemma, isn't it?" The Metatron was amused, and frankly quite pleased with himself, to see the normally loquacious young man stumped and silent.

Jay recognized the sensation at last, the one in his stomach. It fell under the heading of flabbergasted. Finally, he found his voice and asked, a bit more subdued, "Why would you think I would want to kiss Silent Bob?"

The flames flashed impatiently, sounding annoyed and Metatron explained as if he was speaking to a small child, which fit the prophet's profile, justly so. "Because you love him." The Metatron answered simply, honestly.

Jay suddenly felt as if he were sliding down a very deep dark hole. He heard the annoyance loud and clear now, scolding him, "Jay! I shall be very cross with you if you continue to faint! You're not getting out of this that easily!"

"Snoogens," Jay mumbled as the blackness swallowed him up. He wasn't positive, but pretty confident that the Voice of God wasn't suppose to utter things like "Fuck!" but figured he'd ask later after he finished dying of total embarrassment.

The Metatron was still burning brightly next to Jay, feeling pissed, remembering that bit of an incident with Noah.... He was trying to remember exactly how he had phrased the thought of 'quit dragging your ass cause tomorrow looks cloudy.' Unfortunately he didn't think it would help in the current situation...

A short while later Jay's eyes fluttered open. He saw no pearly gates or fluffy clouds or any such bullshit. Raising his head he looked around. A large Fire flickered annoyingly. No such luck, he was still on earth.

Noting that Jay was conscious again the Metatron decided that he had no more time for kid gloves.

"Are you going to do that again? "The Metatron asked harshly. "You're not getting out of this that easily. I've dealt with little stunts like that for over a millennium, let me tell you bright eyes. That was freebie. Pass out again and I'll have a chorus of Hosannas on your hiney faster than you can believe!"

"I dunno," Jay replied as he pushed himself into a sitting position. "Are you going to ask me any more fucked up questions?"

The Metatron sighed and began "All I asked was..."

"Shut the hell up!" Jay yelled as his head began to spin again.

"Oh, all right!" The Metatron snapped. "You're not ready for all that just yet, not your time and all. I get it, I get it." This really was becoming trying...

"How did you know?" Jay asked as he began to stand up, and swayed slightly, feeling a bit woozy.

"I am the Metatron ... It's my job." The Fire responded solemnly.

"To fucking screw with peoples heads?' Jay bellowed.

"To be mindful of those who we are chosen to protect." The Metatron replied testily. The prophet could have driven Christ himself to anger. The Metatron thought uncharitably about the good that could be done with an elm switch and the prophet's backside and then reminded himself that he had a job to do. Beating manners into the prophet unfortunately was not part of it. But definitely worth the consideration.

"Well, dude, don't be asking me about that shit again." Jay warned. "That's just fucked up..."

"I fail to understand how your love for one person could upset you so..." The Fire glowered.

"Ah man, I feel dizzy again." Jay swayed on his feet.

The Metatron sighed. "Then sit down will you? Try putting your head between your knees. Fragile thing, aren't you? Are you going to answer the original question?"

"Shit, I don't think about this stuff..." Jay shook his head.

"But what would your answer be?" The Metatron prodded.

"Man, I *know* I'm gonna regret this." Jay gave a heavy sigh, as he looked at the Fire, which appeared to have moved closer to him. Jay finally noticed that there was no heat radiating off the blaze. Freaky.

"Yes?" the Metatron prompted patiently.

"Bob, of course." Jay sighed in resignation and rubbed a hand over his eyes. Weird shit.

"Yes, but do you know why?" The Fire asked sincerely.

"Because all the women would be (I can't believe I'm saying this)... just sex. Bob is more important than sex. (Man, this is fucked up)," Jay muttered to himself. The Fire blazed encouragingly.

Jay continued his thought after a sigh of resignation. "Cause Bob's like everything to me... and as much fun as it would be to wallow in wall to wall muff, having Bob for just that moment, would be more some how. And if nothing else it would give me plenty to recall for stroke material." Jay shook his head; he couldn't believe himself... He couldn't believe the whole situation. For fucksakes coming out to some damn flaming metronome or whatever. He glared at the Fire. "You fucking happy now?"

The Fire glowed brightly, happily, extruding smugness, as he had already known the answer. "Now, all you need to do is tell Bob."

"Hells no!" Jay retorted.

The Fire flashed again, "You are being difficult."

"And you've been snortin'! I am not telling Bob jack shit!" Jay exclaimed excitedly.

"But you love him, yes?" The Metatron asked, trying to make the prophet see reason.

Jay rolled his eyes. "Where the hell where you during this conversation? Yes!"

The Metatron continued, "You wish to be with him above all others?" Optimistically, he thought could rationalize with the young man...

"I don't believe this! Are you fucking deaf? Yes!" Jay flung his arms in the air in exasperation.

"And you desire him and care for him?" The Metatron queried gently, trying to coax the young man into admitting his feelings.

"Damn it! How much more of this do I have to listen to? Yes! Fuck, can't you just torture me or something?" Jay shouted, the anger very apparent in his voice.

"I am just trying to help you get in touch with your real inner feelings," The Metatron responded looking surprisingly innocent, which was extremely difficult to do in a flaming persona.

To which Jay replied with violent a head shake. "Bitch, you call this fucking help?" Jay yelled at the Fire as he got up and stomped away, away from the Fire and away from dealing with his feelings.

"Well, that went amazingly not well at all." The Metatron snorted to himself and flickered out of sight.

Muttering lowly to himself, Jay bitched all the way back to the group. "Next time I see that motherfucker I'm gonna whip it out and piss on him..." Jay's fast stride carried him quickly from the clearing. His head danced with all sorts of questions and thoughts. Silent Bob occupied all of them. It wasn't fuckin' fair. Jay had a good comfort level; he had Bob where he needed him to be. Bob had no idea that Jay wanted him, and Jay had finally gotten use to the concept of not having him. Now this shit. Fuck, he was back to square one, unrequited love. Shit.

Jay looked up to the heavens and yelled, "And where the hells is Smoky the Bear when you need him? Nootch..."

END

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